Are you implementing timeouts correctly?
By Dr. Josef A. Passley
When individuals talk about a "timeout" as a consequence of
certain behaviors, they are talking about removing a misbehaving child
from an environment they were enjoying. In sports, timeouts are used to
allow a team to confer with the coaches and with each other about the
best strategy to use to win a game. When your child is in timeout, they
are required to be still and quiet so that they can reestablish self-control.
Likewise, you can use the time for yourself to cool down after having
to deal with their behavior. Incidentally, timeouts work best for children
aged 2-10. Adolescents are most effectively disciplined by depriving them
of the company of their friends, removing privileges, and not giving them
money.
A timeout does not begin until your child is absolutely quiet and free
from distraction. They also need to know how long the timeout will be.
For children ages 6-8, you could watch the clock together, use a stopwatch,
or count together to 60. If they are very young (2-5), you could use a
kitchen timer or an hourglass, which can be purchased at a dollar store.
Children ages 9-10 can use their watches to know when their timeout ends.
Here is an example of how to manage an effective timeout. Donald, who
is eight years old, is screaming and talking disrespectfully to his mother
because she told him that he needed to finish his homework before he could
watch cartoons.
"Donald, I told you to stop screaming," said his mother.
“I said no!" Donald screamed back at her.
“I will count to five, and after five if you haven't stopped screaming,
you will sit at the kitchen table with me." She counted slowly "1-2-3-4-5."
Donald continued to scream that he wanted to watch cartoons right then.
"All right, then, sit right down here."
“I will not! You can't tell me what to do!”
“If I count to five again, you will not only have to take a 10-minute
timeout at the table, but you will go to bed 30 minutes early and cannot
watch television tonight.”
Why did she increase the consequences after he didn't obey her the first
time? She did this because Donald was testing her by becoming even more
defiant, and the only way to convey the message of seriousness was to
make the punishment more unpleasant. The mother in this illustration used
her interventions effectively and was not manipulated by her son’s
behaviors. Notice, too, that she did not automatically add the additional
consequences. She said, "If I count to five again."
Here are some important points to remember about timeouts.
1. They are effective when they are presented as a choice. Do so-and-so
or don't do-so-and-so or you will get a timeout.
2. They are effective if you are persistent in removing privileges and
adding consequences to stay in charge of the situation like the mother
in the illustration did.
3. Follow up on the timeout by discussing with them what they did that
got them in the timeout in the first place and what they can do to make
a better choice next time.
If your child sits quietly and has their feelings under control after
the timeout, praise them or give them a hug for their good behavior. Parents
who say timeouts are ineffective, I believe, are simply giving up and
relinquishing their parental authority to their children.