Are you modeling positive behaviors for your child?
By Dr. Josef A. Passley
Parents are often frustrated by the ways their children handle their feelings.
One mother reported to me that her son destroyed various items in his
bedroom and even damaged furniture when he was frustrated with her. Ironically,
however, she told me that she had damaged a television set beyond use
in the past because she was frustrated with her son, whom she said showed
disrespect and “provoked" her.
It should come as no surprise to anyone that whatever a parent does, the
child is likely to imitate. Some adults drink and smoke, and these practices
are touted by the alcohol and tobacco industries as "adult"
choices. And what entices an underage child more than wanting to look
like an adult? A child is told not to curse, but adults do, so children
equate that with "adult" behavior. And what child or adolescent
doesn't want to be grown as soon as possible?
The apple doesn't fall far from the tree, and if children handle problems
the way their parents do, what behavior could be more natural? Why wouldn't
a parent expect the child to act as the adults in his home act? So much
has been said of positive "role models" in our culture—people
who "model" the kind of behavior young people should aspire
to emulate. Yet many parents say "Do as I say, not as I do,"
but it is not realistic to expect a child to be more mature, more rational,
more in control of their emotions than their parent is. It is terribly
unfair to a child to expect them to be an adult when there is no one for
them to turn to or if their parent does not give them positive and consistent
guidance. Have you ever considered that giving an out-of-control child
a hug might vaporize their anger in an instant and that it might be the
warm, human contact you also need.
It is important for you to show your child how to handle difficult situations.
If you are frustrated or angry, don't let your child see your temper get
out of control. Learn to handle your own frustrations by finding ways
to deal with it in healthy ways: leave the house and take a walk, exercise,
call a friend to discuss the problem or any other healthy way to redirect
your frustration. By acting in these constructive ways, your child will
learn that under stress and pressure you can manage your feelings. This
is what is known as "modeling" appropriate behavior.
A child learns from observing your actions and modeling or imitating them.
This, unfortunately, includes your bad as well as your good habits. If
you smoke cigarettes or curse, your child is far more likely to smoke
cigarettes or use profane language because their parent does. Parents
who seek professional help to get their children to stop smoking or cursing,
but who smoke at home or curse while they are in my office, are being
self-defeating. If you want your child to exhibit positive behavior, you
must do the same. They will imitate both your good and bad qualities as
they struggle to define themselves as the kind of person they desire to
become.